Lose You to Love Me

Can I love my body and still want to change it?

The body positivity movement has come so far since I was wee bebe and it's great and beautiful and incredible that we're more size inclusive and throwing shade back to the fat-shamers and I LOVE that girls have more role models to look up to than I ever had. 

But y'all I used to pray to be thin. That was it. My whole prayer from like fourth to twelfth grade. (Tbh, probs even a little in college, too). Nowadays, I joke about my thick thighs and thin patience and sport my 'Thicc-fil-a' tee on hikes, but honestly on my worst days I'm still that little girl praying to be thin. To be beautiful. To just be able to fit into that dress/top/jeans like my friend. 

So once again I ask: can I love my body (cellulite, big tummy, thick thighs, sausage toes and all) and yet still want to change it?

With all of this 'treat yoself' and 'self-care' swirling around it's hard to find balance. In the age of Lizzo I want to be proud of my body. She does so much for me! Part of me is a proud Big Girl, one who shows up like she deserves to be there (at least, like, 75% of the time), but I still dream about what it would be like to have a smaller body. This is where I would usually present the other side of the argument, but I'm not going there this time. I'm trying this thing where I validate my feelings instead of trying to cover them up or push them aside. I'm having almost zero fun with this, trust me. 

Don't get me wrong, I hate that I hold some of my worth in my appearance and how other's perceive me and I'm working on that. But while I'm here in the midst of uncertainty, all I can conclude with is yes. I can love my body and still want to change it. Change is good! (Never thought I would be saying that.) Even if I don't get as small as the 13 year old in me always thought I could be, I will be getting stronger and that is a change worth fighting for.